23 August 2010

one more time...

Into the abyss we go. Again. Tuesday morning @8:45 am is when the surgery and final battle are set to begin.

There are few times in life when you can see just how serious of a situation you are in. This is one of them. I am more apprehensive about this surgery than all of the other ones combined. That apprehension comes from the fact that this is the most serious surgery I have faced. In addition to the glossectomy and replacement, they are also inserting a temporary tracheostomy tube and temporary feeding tube (oh, the joy at that one). Those plus all the other gadgets and gizmos I will be hooked up to and I'm probably going to look like Locutus (you know, from Star Trek, The Next Generation). Yeah, that's how serious things are going to be.

In surgeries past, we always seemed to leave an escape path for the monster. No matter how well the doctors and pathologist performed, it always found an out. No more. Not this time. I am taking all possible doubt about this cancer and removing it. Literally. I'm done. If this thing wants to win, it is going to have to kill me. That just ain't happening.

I got to much to look forward to and just to much to do. Emily is just 18 and starting out in the world. She's gonna need my help feeling her way around until she is on her feet. I also need to be around for her to help her pick out a wedding dress and plan her wedding when she finally decides who she wants to settle down with. I have Lilli, who, at age 9, has decided that she wants to be in the Little League Softball World Series and a famous softball player. Katie is a wonderful Mom, but she can't help Lilli with how to hit or throw a curve ball, how to turn a double play or how to throw out a runner at home on a ball hit to the outfield. Speaking of Katie, we have a lot of growing old together that I really don't want to miss out on.

I said in an earlier blog from a South Park quote that in order to beat cancer you have to be willing to give up everything, because cancer is willing to take everything. That is what I am doing here. I am putting it all on the line tomorrow. I'm all in.

With that being said, I just want to take a minute here and thank all of you for your prayers, good thoughts and all the other kinds of support you have given us over the past 14 months. (Yeah, it's been 14 months since this started.) I honestly could not have done all of this without your help and support. My attitude has kept everyone positive and in return, your positive attitude has helped and propped up mine. Whenever I would feel down or upset about this, I would tell myself, "Self, you can't be down, you have all these people behind you supporting you and looking at you to beat this thing. You need to pick yourself up and keep moving forward. You can't give up or let them down. They're all counting on you to pick up the win. Let's go!" And I would do just that. I have an amazing cast of supporters who just will not let me fail and I appreciate it soooo much. Without it, I really don't know where I would be. From the bottom of my heart, thank you and I appreciate each and every one of you more than you'll ever realize.

So, into the abyss one more time. This will be the final, epic battle we have been waiting for. We will emerge triumphant.


Semper Fi...

13 August 2010

The Nuclear Option has been selected...


You know, in a weird sense, I now know how Harry Truman felt when he was deciding whether or not to drop the Atomic Bomb on Japan back in WWII. His decision was either go with a conventional invasion of the Japanese mainland and prolong the war or drop the bomb and end everything once and for all. Well, that is kind of what I have been looking at. Do I go with the conventional surgery and then wait for it to come back or do I just go ahead and lop out my tongue now and end this thing.

In the last blog, I asked when is enough, enough. Well, we have an answer to that question. Enough is enough on August 24th @ 8:45 am. That is the date of the next surgery. The surgery I have opted to have is the total glossectomy. For those of you who may not remember, the total glossectomy is when they remove the tongue and replace it with a piece of muscle from my thigh.

This procedure may not be an actual total removal of the tongue, however. They are going to try to save the left side base of my tongue and attach the transplanted muscle (called a free flap) to that. The final decision on whether or not to leave the base will not be made until they are actually in my mouth and they see how things are.

They are wanting to leave the base because it will help with movement of the flap when it comes to speech and eating. My speech will not get any better than it is now and my diet will definitely change, but, if it means getting rid of the cancer once and for all, I'm all for it. After all, what good is a tongue if you're dead.

The last week or so has been a whirlwind to say the least. When we got the word from Dr. Blanco that this latest tumor was malignant, it was a shock. I think it left both Katie and I numb and in disbelief. We just could not believe that it has come back so quickly. The numbness turned to anger. The anger eventually turned to acceptance. Once that happened, it was time to figure out how to end this.

You know, cancer has tried just about everything to get me. It has knocked me down 4 times now. What cancer didn't expect was for me to get up 4 times, dust myself off and keep on fighting. I'm done playing. Cancer has tried and failed with its knockout punch. It's time for one of my own.


You live for the fight when it's all that you've got...



06 August 2010

Does it ever end?

The cancer is back.

I had an appointment with my speech therapist this past Monday and on our way into the building, we ran into Dr. Blanco. While standing there talking to him, he asked to look at my tongue, so I showed it to him and he noticed a small bump on the front of it. He put me on his schedule for that morning and biopsied it. Katie & I didn't really think anything of it since 1) it was so small and 2) it looked different from the previous tumors. Turns out we were wrong.

Here are my choices as far as options go: 1) do a regular resection of the tumor area and follow it up with chemotherapy, if I am eligible for it. 2) have what is called a total glossectomy done. What that is, they would remove my entire tongue and replace it with a piece of my thigh muscle. The glossectomy would also include a temporary tracheotomy and a feeding tube.

Not fun choices.

We see the chemotherapy oncologist Monday to determine if I am a candidate for chemo. Tuesday we see the doctor who would be performing the part of the total glossectomy that involves replacing the tongue with the thigh muscle. Thursday we see Dr. Blanco and decide what way we are going to go.

Onward we go, but I can't help but to wonder, when is enough, enough. I mean, honestly, every time we deal with the monster and vanquish him we think we're done. So, we round the corner to pick our lives back up, and we wind up getting sucker punched like this. It is getting very old and very aggravating.