It's only been a month...

Hello everyone! It's only been a month since the last update. Sorry about that. Been a little busy "standing up next to a mountain and chopping it down with the edge of my hand". (First person to tell me where that sentence comes from wins a prize.)

Anyway, it's been a busy month. And busy in a good way. The 'revolution' (my recovery) has been in full force. I am getting better everyday. I haven't had to use my feeding tube in almost a month. YAY! I am technically supposed to only eat 'soft foods' like cream soup, noodles, mashed potatoes, etc, etc. I have, however, been slowly adding 'regular food' into the regimen. In fact, I was able to achieve a goal today. I was able to sit with the family and have a regular Thanksgiving dinner with them. It was awesome to be able to eat what they were eating. I had to take in slow and eat in small bites, but it was a goal and I got it with no real issues to speak of! It was an awesome dinner, by the way. Katie did an OUTSTANDING job. Can't wait to dig into the leftovers. ;-)

I have also started to gain my weight back. When I went to the doctor in October, I weighed 168 lbs. When I went last week, I weighed in @ 174 lbs. I can also talk again! It is great to have my voice back. It still needs some work. I have periods where I sound very phlemy and periods where I am hard to understand, but I am able to talk to people again. (Emily & Lilli think it is great to, except when they get in trouble and I have to yell at them. Then I think they wish I would go back to the whiteboard. lol...)

Now before people get all happy and think that things are back to normal (i.e. going back to work, etc), let's not get ahead of ourselves just yet. My energy and strength levels are nowhere close to where they need to be for me to be considered 'normal' just yet. I still have weakness in my legs (rubber legs) and there are other things I have to get under control and take care of before I can head back out into the work force. They will, however, be taken care of my the end of the year. The goal is to head back to work at the beginning of January. If I can hit my goal of eating Thanksgiving dinner, I think I can hit this one as well.

Well, that's pretty much it. I have made much progress in the last few weeks, but there is still a ways to go, but we're gonna get there. I just love bringing order to the chaos....

Climbing out of the hole...

I was told that I needed to bust out with some catchphrases, so here goes:

*pyro goes off and song 'Voodoo Child' begins as Gunslinger makes his way to the ring, where he grabs a microphone*

"FINALLY, GUNSLINGER HAS BEGUN HIS RETURN TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN!!! 'Slinger has finally gotten a hold of those cowardly traitors chemotherapy and radiation and is taking them straight down to the corner of "Jabroni Drive" & "Know Your Role Blvd." and checking them into the "Smackdown Hotel". Once there 'Slinger will begin to commence to laying the smackdown on their rudy poo candy asses. What do the traitors think about it? IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT THEY THINK! They had their fun with 'Slinger. Tossing 'Slinger around like a rag doll and landing him in the hospital twice. Some people even said 'Slinger was afraid of taking any more punishment from them. Afraid?! See, after taking the best they had, let 'Slinger be clear; 'Slinger is afraid of NO ONE! Did they really think they would get the best of 'Slinger?! The days of chemo & radiation running roughshod over everything are done! 'Slinger plans on taking his right boot AND his left boot, shining them up real nice and shoving them... well, everyone knows what 'Slinger will do with them.

IF YOU SMELL WHAT GUNSLINGER IS COOKING!!!!!!"

*cocks eyebrow, tosses microphone and exits to 'Voodoo Child'*

There you go Ed. I hope you like it. To those of you who get it, I hope you enjoyed the very bad imitation of The Rock. For those that don't get it, well, that was a little peek into one of the things I like watching: pro wrestling. Please don't ask for an explanation.

Now, for the update:

I am drinking things now. I have been able to get down vanilla and strawberry Ensure as well as Barq's Red Cream Soda. I am also having moments of complete silliness that I am known and loved for (see above monologue). Oh, and I am getting less use of the suction machine. I still have to use it, but there is a definite decrease in what I am getting out of it. Hopefully, that means the thrush and mucusitis is going away. I am getting out a little bit. I have walked the dog a few times and a couple of times, just gone outside.

So, the progress is there, it's just not as quick as I would like it to be. I will, however, take what I can get and just keep on keepin' on.

AND THAT'S THE BOTTOM LINE 'CAUSE GUNSLINGER SAID SO.... ;-)

I'm not done yet...

"Uprising" by Muse:

Paranoia is in bloom,
The PR transmissions will resume,
They'll try to push drugs that keep us all dumbed down,
And hope that we will never see the truth around
(So come on)
Another promise, another scene,
Another packaged lie to keep us trapped in greed,
And all the green belts wrapped around our minds,
And endless red tape to keep the truth confined
(So come on)

They will not force us,
They will stop degrading us,
They will not control us,
We will be victorious
(So come on)

Interchanging mind control,
Come let the revolution take it's toll,
If you could flick a switch and open your third eye,
You'd see that
We should never be afraid to die
(So come on)

Rise up and take the power back,
It's time the fat cats had a heart attack,
You know that their time's coming to an end,
We have to unify and watch our flag ascend

They will not force us,
They will stop degrading us,
They will not control us,
We will be victorious

Ok, it's official. I am done letting the effects of the chemo and radiation win. The past month has been nothing but sheer hell and I am done letting it get to me. Two trips to the hospital, near constant nausea, all the barfing and the not being able to talk due to the thrush and the mucusitis has done all it can do to get me down. To be honest, it nearly succeeded. I have been less than pleasant to live with lately. I have been a touch grouchy and a whole lot of irritable. That is why there hasn't been any updates recently. I have not wanted to let people know how miserable I have been (hell, to be honest, I just didn't want to deal with people at all) and poor Katie just doesn't know what to write when I am like that. Well, that ends today. I am at the bottom. Chemo & radiation side effects cannot possibly have anything else to throw at me, so I am starting to climb up out of this hole those traitors have put me in.

I will win. It may take longer than I want, but I will win. The champ is back!

He's baaaaaaaack

well, in the hospital, that is. And by the time I am posting this, he should maybe be coming home today.

We made a trip to the emergency room on Sunday the 27th. They kept him overnight, and released him Monday morning after hydration. But Tuesday he went in for what should have been his final Chemo, and they decided, nope.. he needed to be admitted. He's been in since then, the 29th. They think maybe a hiatal hernia could be causing the vomiting... but I am not sure. He did make it through two evenings with no vomiting, so he may come home this morning.

Sorry for the sparse updating...

Looking from the outside in...

Before we start, I just want to thank the writers of the CBS show "Criminal Minds". This from the end of the season finale from Season #4. I am paraphrasing the ending monologue that Aaron Hotchner gives.

Sometimes there are no words, no clever quotes to neatly sum up what's happened that day. Sometimes you do everything right, everything exactly right, and still you feel like you failed. Did it need to happen this way? Could something have been done to prevent all of this in the first place? This doesn't just affect me. It affects everyone around me and close to me. From my Mom, who is doing her best to be strong for her "baby" and my Dad who has been the one to keep Mom strong, to my brothers who have both shown in their own way that they want to help but are very limited because of the physical distance between us. There is also Katie's family to consider. This affects them as much as it does my family. They all want to help somehow, but really can't since we are almost 600 miles away. That makes over 30 people in the Greater Cincinnati area, not including extended family and friends who thought things like this only happened to "somebody else" and wouldn't ever touch their lives, only to find out that it is now their turn to be "somebody else".

And what about my family? Not the ones back in Ohio & Kentucky, but my wife and girls. How many more times will the three of them be able to look into the abyss, especially Katie and Emily? Lilli seems to be the least affected. Even though she doesn't really understand everything, she does ask questions and tries her best to help her Daddy when he is sick. Katie and Emily are taking the brunt of the fire and trying to do the things they are not accustomed to doing, but how much longer can they hold out against a relentless enemy that searches out the weakest link of a defense and goes after it mercilessly? How many more times will Katie be able to take my grouchiness and irritability? How much longer can she be both parents without completely losing it on one of the kids when they get out of line or push her buttons too much? What about Emily? This is her Senior year. The year that she is supposed to be able to do more with her friends and have a little bit more freedom, yet she has been saddled with responsibilities that most 17 year olds would walk away from. She is doing the best she can, but chinks can be seen in her armor and it is all starting to wear on her. How much longer will she be able to fight before the monster claims her and what is supposed to be the most fun year of high school? How many more times do my wife and oldest daughter have to stare into the abyss, shoulder burdens neither of them should have to and face down the monster before they won't ever recover the pieces of themselves that this disease silently takes from them?

Like I said, sometimes there are no words, no clever quotes to sum up what's happened that day. Sometimes, the day just... ends.

Yes, I know that this is not the normal "positive" post I normally post, but a night of continuously throwing up and 4 days in the hospital gives you a chance to look at things from a different perspective. Mainly, I got to look at how the stress and pressure of this is wearing very hard on the people around me. Honestly, I don't know how they do it. It has to be hard, especially when I'm in the bathroom retching for no apparent reason or when I get my happy self admitted to the hospital due to extreme dehydration (due to all the throwing up). I see all the stress both Katie and Emily are under and wonder how much longer can they hold up. Honestly, I think Katie will be fine. While we haven't been through anything like this, we have been through the grinder before and emerged just fine, so I think she'll come out on the other end more or less in one piece, but I do wonder what price she is paying to be able to hold up and come out that way. Emily, however, is starting to show signs of wear and tear. There are days where she does what we need her to do and she handles everything great, then there are days where she becomes the stereotypical teenager and just wants to do what she wants and not have anything to do with what is going on at home. I know we are asking alot from her, but I also know that she can handle what we give her. She is her "father's daughter" and she does have that certain "steel in her spine" determination to get things done when they need to get done. She just needs to realize that home needs to come first and everything else will be there when this is over. I am hoping that she can tap that steel and hold on for a little longer before she suffers a big break in her armor.

Gr. Just Gr.

well.. Ken has been admitted to the hospital for now. The retching just became too much. He needs to be hydrated intravenously, and they will not allow that at home, at least not for now.

So, he's there, probably until at least Friday.

I guess Misery really likes me...

Not much has changed since Katie's last update. Still exhausted. Still nauseous. Thought the throwing up had stopped, but it reared its ugly head again this afternoon. Yippie. I'm so thrilled. Doesn't my pleasantness shine right through.

I think the only thing that keeps me from going completely stark raving insane is the fact the treatments are almost done. I am telling you, Sept 30th cannot get here fast enough. I am so tired of feeling this way. I want it over and I want it over now. But, we all know I don't get what I want so I'm just going to have to wait for the 30th to get here.

Oh well, I guess that's it. There's nothing really much else to write about so I'm signing off. Until next time people. *waves*

I'm on the downhill side, that's what keeps me looking up.

I wish it was "still the same"...

Nausea has stepped up, and the um.. emesis (throwing up...) is worse. A Lot. Not in quantity, just every time he stands up, it seems, something triggers, and he's back standing over the toilet. I've tried Emetrol for him. Not doing a WHOLE lot of good. *IF* he were eating, it may be worse.. not sure.

Voice is shot, from the throwing up, and the radiation...

I know it's selfish of me.. but MAN, October can't get here soon enough. It's bad enough to watch all this happening.. and knowing I can't take any of it away for him. But it seems like no help I offer even touches any of what is happening... I just hope that after the treatments are finished, the side effects abate quickly....

Still the same...

He's still exhausted, still nauseated.

still losing a pound here and there,but the dietician does not seem too concerned.

Radiation has made him look like he has the best tan of his life, at least form the shoulders up.

But his lips are cracking, and peeling.

(I hate to say this.. but I wish I could get him to get the aquaphor on his lips, and salt water gargle.. but there are SO many other things to have to do...)

5 days, and really nothing new to report

A few people have mentioned to us, they have been checking for updates, and there aren't any. I guess this is kind of a case of "no news is good news" kind of situation.

Overall, it;s kind of a holding pattern. Ken is still exhausted, nauseated... and losing a bit of weight here and there. No, he isn't wasting away, but right now is a time for maintenance. One thing no one ever thought to mention was... it's not that he can't or even won't eat... He just isn't awake long enough to eat what he should. He is drinking ensure when he can with meals, etc. But I swear, I may start sneaking up on him with a bottle or two while he sleeps, and put it down the tube. (Believe it or not, that has actually been highly encouraged.)

Ken's mom and dad and Uncle Larry have stopped over from Northern KY for a short visit. It's nice to see family... and they bring goodies when they visit! Jan & Chip bring us items from "home" that we just can't get here. Last time, it was goetta and soda. Vernor's ginger ale for me, and Barq's red cream soda for Ken. They brought general groceries then too... greatly appreciated. This time was more soda... Busken's coffee cake (Ken: you NEED to eat some!!!!)... and tomatoes from my dad's garden!!

I guess that's really it for now.

And we begin week #3...

For those of you expecting to log in and read about some exciting and/or inspirational adventure we had from the weekend, sorry to disappoint, but there wasn't any of that this past weekend. There was, however, alot of sleeping and trying to feel well enough to putter around the house. That was the extent of my weekend. Wow. Exciting, I know. Not everyone can lead that kind of lifestyle. I am a trained professional, so please don't try to have this kind of weekend without proper supervision.

It's absolutely amazing as to how fast these side effects have hit. It's also amazing as to how hard they hit as well. I can wake up and feel somewhat "normal", but just the act of getting ready in the morning will just zap all my energy and I'm left with nothing but the feeling of just wanting to crawl into bed for the rest of the day. Add to that the nausea and the other side effects that are starting to creep up and it was just a great weekend. (Insert sarcasm here for that last comment...)

But, we are on the "midway" week. Once I get through this week I'll be about half way through with the chemo & radiation. YAY! The fight is halfway done. I would love to think that the second half of this is going to be easier than the first half, but I know better. But, then again, if it were easy everyone would do it right? ;-) (ha ha ha) It's all good, though. I just keep marking the days off and keep the end in sight. The projected end date (according to my calculations) is some time around Sept 30th, so that is the date I am shooting for. Once I get there I should be golden. (and able to glow in the dark for the next month. At least the kids won't need a night light, hahahahahahahaha)

That's about it for now. I'll post any updates as I get them or if I come up with something really cool or creative to write about. Stay tuned...

... Same Bat time, same Bat Channel.

Wanna know how to make Katie cry?

Subtitled: Some friends are simply amazing...

I received this picture as a text message today. While it may seem innocuous to the untrained eye... I gasped, and yelled for Ken to "Come see this!!!"

I have known for several weeks that a friend of mine was riding in a charity bike ride this weekend (100 miles, if you care about that kind of stuff), and I am pretty sure I was aware that it was for cancer research. But it never crossed my mind, that it might cross his mind, to say he was riding for some one he knows, affected by the dreaded C-word.

Maybe you need to know Mike... but I cannot adequately describe how and why this affected me the way it did. All I can say is, this is one more example of the fact that while we are 550 miles away from our blood family, we have friends who are family to us as well. Thanks, Mike, for reminding me of that, and godspeed to you on your ride tomorrow. (Well, it is actually today, rolling off in about 5 hours!)

Exhausted doesn't even begin to cover it...

Not much to write about. I had the 2nd round of chemo Tuesday and it went pretty well. Now, though, the dreaded side effects are starting. The exhaustion is unbelievable. I've been tired before, but this goes beyond that. It's a tired that goes to the bone. Imagine how you feel after a really hard workout. Now, multiply that by about one thousand and that is how I feel. Seems like sleeping is all I'm doing now. Ugh.

The nausea is a constant, but at least I have meds that help with that so it is tolerable. Never thought I could be hungry AND nauseous at the same time, but hey, I've even eaten when I'm nauseous. Guess you learn something new everyday, huh.

I've been told that most side effects don't come until later in treatment. I also know that when it comes to most side effects I react the opposite of what they are, so hopefully I'm just getting them out of the way now so I can finish strong.

On the plus side, Friday will be the end of the second week of treatment. YAY!!! Everyday down gets us closer to our goal.

Time to keep on keepin' on...

1 coin + 1 pair of gloves = ...

Well, what they actually equal to me is more than I can articulate. (Yes, I have been left speechless. Shocking, I know. Most of you thought that would never happen.)

Ok, upfront honesty here before we get going. The support we have gotten from everybody has been absolutely incredible. The reason I haven't said anything about it before now is simply because I didn't want to single out any one thing someone has done for us because invariably there will be something that someone does that I will forget about and wind up accidently hurting that persons feelings. Many people have done many wonderful things for us, most of them are things that we never would have expected, and we have thanked them in one way or another, just not publicly. What I got in the mail today from my brother, Steve, and my nephew, Nick, though just has to be shared with everybody. Once you read, you'll understand why.

Here's the story:

When I started my radiation, I found out that one of the things I have to do is keep a board in place under my feet. This is done so I don't move. Well, the way you keep this board in place is to hold it there by a rope. The rope has handles on its ends that resemble the handle of a shovel. After a while, they get slippery and it just starts to hurt the fingers. Needless to say, they are NOT the most comfortable things to hold in place for 20 to 30 minutes. I'm laying there on the table as I'm getting my radiation thinking, "There is no way I'm putting up with this for six weeks. There has to be a better way to do this." After a day or two of pondering, the solution came to me; gloves. Not just any gloves, but batting gloves. So, I think to myself, "self, where can you get batting gloves from? Yeah, you can go and buy a pair of them at the sporting goods store, but those would be new gloves, not broken in and no real sense of success. I need gloves that know how to win. Where can I get a pair of batting gloves that fit the bill?" In a flash it hit me. Nick. I can call Nick and see if he has a pair of batting gloves he's not using. Actually I talked to Steve, who talked to Nick and brother did they ever hook me up. It wasn't batting gloves that Nick sent, it was his football gloves from last season. These gloves are "winner gloves". The reason they are "winner gloves" is that last season Nick was a sophomore and it was the first season for his school and its football team. Not only did Nick make the Varsity team as a sophomore, he played in all aspects of the game; starting on offense (wide receiver), defense (cornerback) and special teams. He did it all and he did it all well. He scored his first touchdown and did alot of other things with these gloves and for him to lend them to me means alot. I'm going to have to take care of them so I can get them back to him when I'm done. He also took the time to sit down and write a note of how he felt like a winner when he did what he did while wearing the gloves. Nick doesn't say alot, so for him to do something like that means alot to me as well.

The gloves weren't the only thing in the envelope. Tucked in with the gloves was a folded up note from my brother, Steve. As I start to unfold the note, a coin falls out. A Challenge Coin. Not just any kind of challenge coin. It was a Hamilton County Police Association S.W.A.T. Challenge Coin. For those of you that don't know, my brother is a police officer for the city of Wyoming, Ohio (that's a suburb of Cincinnati). He has been with them for 12 or 13 years. For 10 or 11 of those years, he was also a member of the Hamilton County S.W.A.T. team. In order to earn one of these Challenge Coins you have to show "courage and commitment above and beyond the call of duty". Needless to say, there aren't very many of them out there and for him to pass something this special on to me is deeply moving. The note itself is also deeply touching. Why would a note touch me? Well, in some ways Steve and I are complete opposites. Whereas I could talk on and on and on, Steve is a man of very few words and he often lets his actions speak for him. For him to sit down and write a note of encouragement to me and send it with the gloves and coin means the world to me. The note and the coin is what actually left me speechless and teary eyed. Katie was moved just as much by it when she saw it and read the note when she got home from work.

These two gifts I have been given say so much without saying a word that no word or words really seem to fit. Appreciative, grateful and humbled could describe some of it, but I think the word that fits the best is blessed.

Citius, Altius, Fortius.

Oh, the difference a day (or two) makes...

So, Friday and Saturday I'm so bone tired exhausted that I spend most of those days sleeping. Wake up on Sunday feeling like dog dirt, but we had an Orioles game to go to so I get ready and we go, not really knowing how I would feel or react to the day, and wouldn't you know it, I felt better as the day went on. Go figure.

We had to make some adjustments to the day for me, but it was a very good day. It was a hot day, the high was 93. We took water with us and the Oriole's had people handing out free cups of ice, so that helped keep us hydrated. Since I am not supposed to be out in the sun for long, we stayed mostly in the shade, which made things about 10 degrees cooler and we left after the sixth inning. Good thing about leaving early is that since the game went extra innings, we got home in time to see the end of the game on t.v. The day was good, not only because we all had a good time, but because for those few hours, sitting there in the upper reserved section with the other Dugout Club members, things were normal. I never knew how nice normal could be.

So, here we are on Sunday night staring down another week of radiation and the weekly chemo on Tuesday, but I can face that knowing that there are days like this that I can not only hold onto, but also look forward to having.

Onward and upward....

Whole lotta waitin' goin' on...

For those of you who have been waiting with baited breath for me to tell you what the hospital experience was like, I can sum it up in one phrase for you; "Hurry up and wait". That was the extent of it. Thanks for stopping by. *waves*

Oh, wait, you want details... Gotcha. ;)

Well, like Katie said, I didn't put enough of the numbing cream over the port site and paid for it. Not only did I pay for it when they were using me as a pin cushion (we'll get to that one in a minute), but also when the nurse was pressing around it trying to find exactly where the port was. If I didn't know any better, I would swear that she was actually trying to rip the thing out with how hard and how deep she was pressing. To say it hurt is an understatement. Ouch.

So, they find the port site and decide to insert the needle (even though she knows I didn't use enough numbing cream). I'll spare you the details, but let's just say that was NOT the most pleasant thing I've done. OW! Of course, this being me and my luck, this stick didn't go in correctly, so they have to do it again. Fortunately, the nurse decided to put more numbing cream on and let it "soak in". This begins the waiting. It normally takes about an hour or so for the cream to take full effect, so almost 2 hours later a different nurse, one that specializes in I.V. placement, comes in and tries to insert the needle. Guess what, that one didn't go in right either. Guess what else, it was NOT a pain free experience. OW! So, we're on try number three, and FINALLY they get it right!!!!!! YAY!!!! Turns out the reason the first two tries were unsuccessful were because they were using the wrong sized needle! They were using a 3/4 inch needle when what they really needed was a 1 inch needle. Don't you just love it when you're the experimental pincushion. OW! OW! OW!

After getting the needle inserted and everything set up, they finally started the process. First thing they do is they make sure you are properly hydrated. Hydration is important because one of the side effects of Cisplatin (that's my chemo medicine) is kidney damage. So, the first thing you get is "pre-hydration", then you get the Cisplatin, then you get "post-hydration". A very time consuming process. A process made even more time consuming by the fact that you are in a hospital and the poor nurses are running around trying to deal with a bagillion patients and everything else that nurses have to deal with. Throw into the mix a 2 pm radiation appointment and you can see why this is an all day affair. *sigh*

As for the chemo itself, it's a tricky little thing. It likes to sneak up on you and crack you over the head with its side effects with no warning whatsoever. It is literally like stepping off of a cliff. Take Tuesday night, there I am in the hospital, feeling pretty good for someone with cancer, when "BAM" I got hit with the exhaustion stick. And it was quick. There was no build up to it. One second I was fine, the next it was all I could do to get into bed so I could sleep. Then there was Thursday. I wake up feeling great. Go to my radiation treatments and come home to finish getting ready to go to work when the "digestive difficulties" Katie mentioned hit me. I had to use the bathroom 4 times in a 2 hour period, each time things got a little "looser" shall we say... Yeah, we'll go with that. I was at work for a grand total of 20 minutes before I told the boss that I needed to go home. When I got home, Katie had the immodium, gatorade and my anti nausea medicine waiting for me. I took those meds, drank the gatorade and crawled into bed. Next thing I knew it was 7 pm. Where does the day go?

Now, if I could just shake this "tiredness" (exhaustion is more like it), I'll be good to go. :-)

We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming...

it's not the war you aim to win, but the battles along the way...

It's Katie... We've had a few people mention that we have not posted anything in *gasp* 2 days!

Well, treatments began for Ken a couple days ago, and I suppose it's better to hear from him how they went. I can tell you this... I know we did not put enough numbing agent over the port site, and the needles look like straws. Needless to say, Ken winced a bit when they tried accessing it. I only saw once, but he said it took them 3 tries to get it. Using a needle that was too short, initially.

The application of the chemo itself on Tuesday seemed to take forever. As of early this morning, Ken was doing fine from it. But after we came back from the radiation appointment, a few of the less pleasant side effects kicked in. Ken tried to go to work, but ended up coming home with um.. shall we we say "digestive difficulties", and some nausea. He took the meds for that, and had to come home in regards to the other. A dose of immodium, a bottle of gatorade, and a full day's sleep later, he seemed to be doing a lot better. Exhausted still... but fine, over all.

Just wanted to let everyone know...

D-Day is here. The ground war kicks off @ 0800.

Well, the "wake up" is finally here. D-day. All the aggravation, frustration and prep work has led to this. We've known all along that everything I have gone through has just been "advanced recon", preparing for the main assault that commences this morning.

Ok, enough with the military comparisons, I'm starting to feel like I'm narrating a show on the History Channel or something. Here's another way to look at it. This is like a pro wrestling storyline. You have me playing the "babyface in peril" (that's the good guy) and the cancer is the "heel" (that's the bad guy). Well, the heel has been getting the better of the "face" time after time, so the "face" goes to a couple of "tweeners" (two guys he really doesn't like b/c they act like bad guys, in this case, that would be the chemo & radiation) to help him beat the "heel". Now, the "face" has big time reservations about this. He doesn't like how they do things, nor does he like their tactics. He's also not sure if they'll do their jobs. Will they have his back when it comes time to fight the "heel" or will the "tweeners" turn on him and hang him out to dry. However, after being beat at every turn by the "heel", the "face" feels he has no choice but to fight fire with fire, so he decides if doing business with the "tweeners" is the price he has to pay, then so be it. That is how bad he wants to beat him. This is a pretty predictable storyline. The "face" and "tweeners" start off well, but then hit a rough spot where the "face" really wonders why he teamed up with them in the first place, but the "face", being the good guy and all, decides to trust his new "tweener" partners and eventually they beat the "heel" rather soundly, usually in a "gimmick match" (steel cage match, falls count anywhere, Hell in a Cell match, etc). Yeah, that's what this is like.

All kidding aside, I know that this morning is kicking off the biggest fight of my life. To be honest, only an idiot or a fool would say they weren't scared. While I'm scared I'm also anxious to get this started. The road ahead is full of unknowns and once we get the ball rolling on this, we'll be able to answer those unknowns and get this cancer beat. I know I'm going to have days where I feel absolutely wonderful and wonder what the heck people were talking about when they were telling about all the "awful" and "horrible" side effects of the treatments. I also know that I am going to have days where I will know exactly what they are talking about. The one thing that will remain the same throughout all those days is this: I am walking out of this battle a WINNER. There is no doubt about that. The resolution of this battle has already been decided and written in stone, yet cancer wants to fight this fight anyway. All, I have to do is persevere and see things through to the very end. I have my team in place (that's you, in case you forgot or something). All the preliminaries have been taken care of. Battle plans have been finalized and have been put into play. All that remains is to go to battle. We're ready. I'm ready. Trust me, when we're done we will have the head of this cancer mounted on stick for the world to see.

"Look into my eyes. I've set out on my path. There is no "can't", no "won't" on the road I walk. Can you see it? I can."

Semper Fidelis.

"Moti, moti, gotta lotta motivation..." What a day!

You ever have a day where you wanted to do something and just have everything go right, better than expected even? Well, we had that kind of day today.

I woke up around 4:30 am with an idea. Since this is my final Sunday before the radiation & chemo start I decided that I wanted to do something special with the family today and get some motivation for Tuesday. I thought it would be a good idea for us to go to Washington D.C. I went back to sleep and got back up at 6:30 am. Katie was awake so I talked to her about it and we hatched out a plan to do this as cheaply as possible (getting lunch stuff @ Walmart, etc, etc), got the kids up and by 8:30 am we were on our way. (The cool thing about living so close to D.C. is that we were able to do this for almost nothing.)

Our first stop was the U.S. Marine War Memorial (a.k.a. Iwo Jima Memorial) in Arlington, Va. This is where the motivation comes in. We get there close to 10:00 am and as we are approaching the memorial, Lilli is looking at it and says '"Dad, there are troops down there!" I thought "Cool, we'll get to talk to a couple of Marines." Well, what we walked into was one of the coolest things we could have done. Those troops that Lilli saw were both Marines and Sailors and they were there for a ceremony. At first we didn't know what the ceremony was for. Then when they called "Attention to Orders" and started reading the warrant, I realized what kind of ceremony we had walked into. It was a Commissioning ceremony. We got the privilege of watching a young Navy R.O.T.C student become a 2nd Lieutenant in the Marine Corps. It was a really cool thing to watch. It was emotional. Katie had to wipe the tears from her eyes a couple of times. I felt proud to be there. After the ceremony I had a brief chance to talk to Lt. Cain (that's who the ceremony was for). I congratulated him and let him know just how motivating watching his ceremony was. I also let him know that even though he had only been a Lt. for about 10 minutes he had managed to help motivate me in my fight. It seemed to genuinely touch him. After I had talked to him, his Captain came over to me and we talked for a bit. He let me know that Marines do take care of their own and if we ever needed anything to contact him at the George Washington University Navy ROTC and he would help us the best he could.

You would think that would be the highlight of the day. Normally, yes, it would be, but not today. After the Memorial we went over to the Netherlands Carillon, which is next to the Marine Corps Memorial. This is a gift from the Netherlands to the U.S. for liberating them in World War II. Katie loves Carillons and enjoyed seeing it. We then headed into D.C. proper to walk around the National Mall. I have heard horror story after horror story about driving and parking in D.C. so I was expecting a massive headache. That was not the case today. Traffic flowed very smoothly and it only took us about 15 minutes to find a nice little parking spot on the street!

Walking through the Mall was just a great experience as well. While it was hot (97 degrees), we were able to deal with that by bringing water and Gatorade with us and staying in the shade as much as possible. We ate lunch on the Mall, which was a neat experience. We walked up to the Washington Monument and back down to the Lincoln Memorial, stopping to see the White House, World War II and Korean War Memorials.

When our water ran out, we bought some from a vendor so we could stay hydrated in the heat. Well, Lilli was saying that she didn't feel well, so I poured some water on the back of her neck. She didn't like that. She told me that when I pour water on her I should pour it on her head. So, I poured it on her head and the kid loved it! She stopped not feeling well. Felt much better. She kept wanting me to pour water on her head in fact. Hey, as long as it kept her cool and kept her from complaining, why not.

The girls also got to see and pet a Park Police horse and we saw a crazy duck in the Reflecting Pool. This thing must have wanted something on the bottom in the worst way. He went down 3 or 4 times to get whatever it was and every time he would all you would see of him was a small portion of his tail and his feet just kicking back and forth trying to keep his balance. He was one odd duck.

All in all it was an outstanding day! I will take at least three memories from this day though;

1) Lt. Cain's Commissioning ceremony

2) Standing there in front of the Lincoln Memorial as our day was winding down pouring water on Lilli's head and her just loving it.

3) In the car as we were sitting in traffic heading out of D.C., Emily reaches up, grabs my shoulder and says "Thanks for bringing us here today Dad. I had a really great time."

One and a wake up.

Teaching class and getting the tube in...

The teaching class Katie & I went to Thursday was very informative. Katie actually covered most of what they went over, but I was really surprised when they told us that the chemo was actually being used to "grab onto" the cancer and set it up for the radiation to kill it. We're sitting there listening to this explanation and the nurse was doing a great job, but it was just so long. After she was done, I looked at her and said "so it's like a two on one beat down. The chemo grabs it and holds it for the radiation to knock it out." The poor girl must not have ever heard it described quite that way, because she sat there for a minute and was like "um, yeah, that's what is happening."

Friday we finally got the tube in, in spite of the anesthesiologist doing everything he could to delay it. At first things looked like they were going to go pretty smooth. We got there on time, filled out the paperwork and they took me back in short order. Then we met the anesthesiologist. Katie called it a "god complex", I think he's just an asshole. First, the guy demanded that he see all the records from my previous surgeries. Apparently he thought I wouldn't be able to swallow the intibation tube or something. After seeing those he insisted that I be moved from the little operating suite I was in to the main operating room. I have no idea why. He never bothered to explain himself to me all I know is that it put us behind schedule. Then there was the mixup on the eating instructions. I had been told no eating six hours before the procedure, so since the procedure was at 3:30 pm I had breakfast and was done eating by 9:00 am. He blew up at me and Dr. Corkum when he found this out. He said it was supposed to be eight hours and absolutely refused to do anything until 5 pm. This was at 4:20 pm. He then needed to draw blood to check my electrolytes. While talking to me he was just so condescending and arrogant. Then there was the way he treated the nurses. Whenever he needed something, there was no "please" or "thank you". He was just down right rude.

When I was coming out of the anesthesia he was there. I then proceeded to tell him exactly what I thought of him; that he was an asshole. He asked me how was he an asshole. I told him that while I understand him being a stickler for the rules since I am one myself, it's all in how you do it and that he didn't treat people well. My nurses apparently think the same thing about him, because they loved the fact that I told him what I thought.

So, the tube is in, all the preliminary appointments and classes are out of the way. All that is left is to wait until Tuesday when the chemo and radiation start. It's just two and a wake up.