short version update

Just to make everyone happy, here is an update. I'm going to keep this one brief, just kind of hitting the highlights. I'll put a more detailed update out when I can sit at the computer for longer than 10 minutes.

Let's just say since the surgery, hell would be preferable to what I have had to put up with. I left the hospital on Sept 3rd, feeling like I had hit rock bottom physically. Well, I hadn't. The first week to week and a half was just brutal. I barely had the strength to stand long enough to take a shower and considered it a victory if I could walk from one end of the apt to the other. I was always hot, couldn't sleep and was just miserable. Fortunately, the corner was turned the middle of last week. I'm still exhausted, can't sleep, but I am starting to feel better. I actually feel like getting out of my chair and doing things. Granted, it's small things like getting the mail or being on the computer, but it's something.

The trach tube is out. They took it out this past Tuesday. It would have been last week, but when they first tried to "cork" the trach, I got bronchitis. That, along with the 102 degree fever set everything back a week. Once we got the bronchitis cleared up, we corked the trach tube for part of the day for three days, then corked it full time for three days. Now, all I have to do is wait a few days for the hole to close and it will be one less thing I have to worry about.

There is more, but like I said, this is only a brief update, basically to let everyone know that I am still alive. Once I feel somewhat better, I'll bring y'all up to speed on everything else.

one more time...

Into the abyss we go. Again. Tuesday morning @8:45 am is when the surgery and final battle are set to begin.

There are few times in life when you can see just how serious of a situation you are in. This is one of them. I am more apprehensive about this surgery than all of the other ones combined. That apprehension comes from the fact that this is the most serious surgery I have faced. In addition to the glossectomy and replacement, they are also inserting a temporary tracheostomy tube and temporary feeding tube (oh, the joy at that one). Those plus all the other gadgets and gizmos I will be hooked up to and I'm probably going to look like Locutus (you know, from Star Trek, The Next Generation). Yeah, that's how serious things are going to be.

In surgeries past, we always seemed to leave an escape path for the monster. No matter how well the doctors and pathologist performed, it always found an out. No more. Not this time. I am taking all possible doubt about this cancer and removing it. Literally. I'm done. If this thing wants to win, it is going to have to kill me. That just ain't happening.

I got to much to look forward to and just to much to do. Emily is just 18 and starting out in the world. She's gonna need my help feeling her way around until she is on her feet. I also need to be around for her to help her pick out a wedding dress and plan her wedding when she finally decides who she wants to settle down with. I have Lilli, who, at age 9, has decided that she wants to be in the Little League Softball World Series and a famous softball player. Katie is a wonderful Mom, but she can't help Lilli with how to hit or throw a curve ball, how to turn a double play or how to throw out a runner at home on a ball hit to the outfield. Speaking of Katie, we have a lot of growing old together that I really don't want to miss out on.

I said in an earlier blog from a South Park quote that in order to beat cancer you have to be willing to give up everything, because cancer is willing to take everything. That is what I am doing here. I am putting it all on the line tomorrow. I'm all in.

With that being said, I just want to take a minute here and thank all of you for your prayers, good thoughts and all the other kinds of support you have given us over the past 14 months. (Yeah, it's been 14 months since this started.) I honestly could not have done all of this without your help and support. My attitude has kept everyone positive and in return, your positive attitude has helped and propped up mine. Whenever I would feel down or upset about this, I would tell myself, "Self, you can't be down, you have all these people behind you supporting you and looking at you to beat this thing. You need to pick yourself up and keep moving forward. You can't give up or let them down. They're all counting on you to pick up the win. Let's go!" And I would do just that. I have an amazing cast of supporters who just will not let me fail and I appreciate it soooo much. Without it, I really don't know where I would be. From the bottom of my heart, thank you and I appreciate each and every one of you more than you'll ever realize.

So, into the abyss one more time. This will be the final, epic battle we have been waiting for. We will emerge triumphant.

Semper Fi...

The Nuclear Option has been selected...

You know, in a weird sense, I now know how Harry Truman felt when he was deciding whether or not to drop the Atomic Bomb on Japan back in WWII. His decision was either go with a conventional invasion of the Japanese mainland and prolong the war or drop the bomb and end everything once and for all. Well, that is kind of what I have been looking at. Do I go with the conventional surgery and then wait for it to come back or do I just go ahead and lop out my tongue now and end this thing.

In the last blog, I asked when is enough, enough. Well, we have an answer to that question. Enough is enough on August 24th @ 8:45 am. That is the date of the next surgery. The surgery I have opted to have is the total glossectomy. For those of you who may not remember, the total glossectomy is when they remove the tongue and replace it with a piece of muscle from my thigh.

This procedure may not be an actual total removal of the tongue, however. They are going to try to save the left side base of my tongue and attach the transplanted muscle (called a free flap) to that. The final decision on whether or not to leave the base will not be made until they are actually in my mouth and they see how things are.

They are wanting to leave the base because it will help with movement of the flap when it comes to speech and eating. My speech will not get any better than it is now and my diet will definitely change, but, if it means getting rid of the cancer once and for all, I'm all for it. After all, what good is a tongue if you're dead.

The last week or so has been a whirlwind to say the least. When we got the word from Dr. Blanco that this latest tumor was malignant, it was a shock. I think it left both Katie and I numb and in disbelief. We just could not believe that it has come back so quickly. The numbness turned to anger. The anger eventually turned to acceptance. Once that happened, it was time to figure out how to end this.

You know, cancer has tried just about everything to get me. It has knocked me down 4 times now. What cancer didn't expect was for me to get up 4 times, dust myself off and keep on fighting. I'm done playing. Cancer has tried and failed with its knockout punch. It's time for one of my own.

You live for the fight when it's all that you've got...

Does it ever end?

The cancer is back.

I had an appointment with my speech therapist this past Monday and on our way into the building, we ran into Dr. Blanco. While standing there talking to him, he asked to look at my tongue, so I showed it to him and he noticed a small bump on the front of it. He put me on his schedule for that morning and biopsied it. Katie & I didn't really think anything of it since 1) it was so small and 2) it looked different from the previous tumors. Turns out we were wrong.

Here are my choices as far as options go: 1) do a regular resection of the tumor area and follow it up with chemotherapy, if I am eligible for it. 2) have what is called a total glossectomy done. What that is, they would remove my entire tongue and replace it with a piece of my thigh muscle. The glossectomy would also include a temporary tracheotomy and a feeding tube.

Not fun choices.

We see the chemotherapy oncologist Monday to determine if I am a candidate for chemo. Tuesday we see the doctor who would be performing the part of the total glossectomy that involves replacing the tongue with the thigh muscle. Thursday we see Dr. Blanco and decide what way we are going to go.

Onward we go, but I can't help but to wonder, when is enough, enough. I mean, honestly, every time we deal with the monster and vanquish him we think we're done. So, we round the corner to pick our lives back up, and we wind up getting sucker punched like this. It is getting very old and very aggravating.

Big time update...

Well, the surgery was June 25th and was over 7 hours long. Ugh. They took the tumor in the front of the tongue (which was about 1 cm), the tumor in the back of the tongue (which was 3 cm x 4 cm). Dr. Blanco also took my right tonsils and all of the lymph nodes on the left side of my neck. I spent two days in SICU (surgical intensive care unit), with part of those two days being on a respirator. Oh, the joy. Fortunately, for that time, they did me a favor and kept me pretty well sedated, so I don't remember much of it, only that was not the most comfortable thing in the world to deal with.

Once they moved me from SICU, I spent two more days in a regular room before being released on the 29th.

We had an appointment with Dr. Levine (he's the medical oncologist) on the 30th. They didn't have the final pathology from the surgery back yet, so he went over all the options we had for chemo, which was the next step in the process. Let's just say that was not a fun visit. He was talking about chemo lasting 6 months instead of 6 weeks and the possibility of having to go through another round of radiation. Now, he was telling us that all of this was a worst case scenario, and nothing was written in stone, but it was still unsettling listening to all of that.

Fast forward to todays appointment with Dr. Blanco. We went in expecting to hear the worst. This is the news we get from Dr. Blanco;

1) all the margins came back from pathology negative. That means he got all the cancer.

2) I will not have to go through radiation again, due to all the complications I had with it the last time I had to do it.

3) They are holding off the chemotherapy at this time. They feel that since there is nothing there, it doesn't make sense to run me through the chemo at this time. They are going to monitor me closely and take things from there.

If I have missed something, Katie will make sure to let y'all know what it is.

As of now, I am cancer free. Again. That means I win. Again.

'nuff said.

Battle plans have been drawn up and approved...

June 25th, 2010 @ 0730 (that's 7:30 am for you civilian types) is when we step into the abyss to face the monster one more time.

The surgery will be 7 hours long and consists of removing both tumors, the front one the conventional way and the one at the base of the tongue using robotics. They will also be doing a radical neck dissection on the left side of my neck to remove and test those lymph nodes to see if the cancer has spread on that side. (That means I'll have scars on both sides of my neck. Whoohoo.) There will be a hospital stay of anywhere from 3 days to a week, with another 5-7 days recovering at home. Then, 2-3 weeks after that, I have another round of chemotherapy. The chemo treatments will be 6-8 weeks.

This is the plan that was chosen from the three that were presented. The other options were 1) the same surgery as above, but with 2 to 3 weeks of chemotherapy beforehand. 2)total removal of the tongue and then going through chemotherapy.

Yes, you read that right. Total removal of the tongue was actually presented as an option. According to Dr. Blanco, there was quite a discussion in the tumor board on Wednesday about this. Apparently there were people there who felt that my tongue should just be considered a 'diseased organ' not worth saving and it should just be removed now to prevent any further spreading or recurrences. I think we should explore any and all options that can save as much of my tongue as possible before we even consider taking it all out. Fortunately, Dr. Blanco and Dr. Williams feel the same way I do, so we are going to do what we can to keep as much of my tongue as we can.

So, that's where we are. Is it maddening? Yes. Is it frustrating? Definitely. Do I want to beat my head against the wall sometimes? You bet. Does it make me want to throw in the towel and cower in terror at the big, bad cancer. NO, NO, NO, NO and HELL NO. I have invested too much time in this fight to just give up now. I was told once, a long time ago, that a person's character is not defined by the tragedies in their life. Their character is defined by how they handle the tragedies when they are given to them. I know that I downplay who I am sometimes, but I do know that my character has been forged in the fires of my past crisis' and it is too strong to quit. Besides, all I have to do is remember what I tell Emily and Lilli when they tell me they can't do something. I tell them that the man who says he can and the man who says he can't are both right. It is your mindset and your attitude that determines which man you are. I prefer to be someone who says he can.

Do, or do not. There is no try. ~Yoda

Another battle is upon us...

I got the biopsy results back. The "abnormality" at the base of my tongue is cancer.

The doctors are baffled as to why this cancer is hanging around. Every time they have removed a tumor, the margins have shown that they are clear and the cancer is gone. What also has them perplexed is that in my March PET scan, there was nothing there. I was clean. So, this tumor had to have popped up between then and my most recent PET scan.

Even though there is this new diagnosis, I am encouraged and have had my spirits rebooted. What has done that was a monologue from the tv show 'South Park'. Yes, I know what kind of show 'South Park' is, but this monologue by Principal Victoria is really very inspiring. Here it is:

Cancer is pure evil. It is a fat little lump that needs to be destroyed. When there is a cancer, you have to fight it. You can’t reason with cancer. You can’t wish it away. Cancer doesn’t play by the rules so neither can you.

And you can’t listen to what anybody else tells you. You have to be willing to give up everything; because the cancer will take everything. Do you understand?

When you have cancer, you fight, because it doesn’t matter if you beat it or not, you refuse to let that fat little lump make you feel powerless.

That is definitely something I am not. Powerless. As long as there is a breath in my body, I will fight. I have yet to lose a major battle in my life. I am not about to start now. This monster can be as aggressive as it wants, it can be as nasty as it wants. I will give back to it what it is giving me in spades.

So, off into the abyss I go, again. Do I go to fight the monster again happily? No. No one in their right mind would be happy that they have to endure this game. I do, however, go willingly. I didn't pick this fight. It picked me. And because it picked me, I am more than willing to take the fight to it.

Warning orders have been issued...

the good guys

the bad guy

It has been over a month since my last update. There has been a reason for that. There was nothing to update. I was at work, coaching Lilli's softball team, trying to keep Emily focused on school (I know, good luck with that one), basically life was normal. Everything was fine.

I had two followup appointments this month and figured I would go to those and then come here and tell y'all that everything was going great. Good idea, except for one little thing. Things aren't going great. Last Monday, the 17th, I went to see the radiation oncologist, Dr. Zinreich. She noticed some swelling in my neck. The swelling on the left side is not a big deal. That is just a blocked salivary gland. The right side had some pain associated with it. I told her that this had been going on for less than a week and I thought it was simply b/c of all the pollen causing my allergies to act up. She still didn't like the fact that there was pain associated with this, so she talked with Dr. Williams and she ordered a PET scan. The next day I saw the medical oncologist, Dr. Levine and he concurred with both of them. I had the PET scan this past Friday.

I got the results back Tuesday. The good news is that there is nothing wrong with my neck. No abnormalities or anything out of the ordinary. The tongue was a different matter all together. They found a 1.8cm abnormality at the base of my tongue.

Everyone involved in this is just baffled as to what it is, why it is where it is and how it showed up on this PET scan when the one I had back in March didn't show anything wrong with my tongue at all. There are two ideas as to what this could be; 1) it could be something called radionecrosis. (http://www.achm.org/index.php/General/Medicare-Accepted-Indications/Soft-Tissue-Radionecrosis.html) or 2) the cancer is back.

Dr. Williams is just baffled about all of this. He said normally it takes months for a cancer tumor to get this big and it would have shown up on the PET scan in March. He is also confounded by the fact that this "abnormality" is located in the back of the tongue. My other two tumors have been located in the front of the tongue, so it doesn't make sense that this one would show up in the back. He did a biopsy today (ow). He should have the results back next week. In the meantime, he has referred me to another doctor in case this is a tumor and has to be removed. If it has to be removed, it cannot be taken out like the other two tumors. I may have to have it taken out with a relatively new procedure called TORS (trans orbital robotic surgery). Before I go into all the details about that surgery, we first have to see if this is a tumor and if it is am I a good candidate for TORS. Dr. Williams seems to think that I am, but there are things they have to look at to make sure.

That's the medical update. Here's the personal update. To say I'm angry would be like saying King Kong is a big, hairy ape. I don't get this. I don't understand it. If this is a tumor it will be the 3rd one in less than a year. Where is this coming from? More importantly, when is this ordeal going to be over? Every time we get close to the end, something like this pops up and we have to start all over again. It is getting old and quite frankly I am tired of it.

Now, before you tell me that I need to keep a "positive attitude" and that God only gives you what you can handle, I'm gonna stop you right there. My attitude hasn't changed. I'm still gonna beat whatever this is and there is no "woe is me" attitude. Whatever this is can, quite honestly, kiss my left cheek b/c I'm not putting up with it for long. I have plans this summer and I plan on following through with them.

What really yanks my chain, though, is the simple fact that I have to deal with this. Again. Isn't twice in one year enough? I have been told that I should just turn everything over to God and he will handle it for me. Well, I've done that and, to be honest, it hasn't done much good. It seems like every time I turn around there is just more and more of this nonsense to deal with. I mean, honestly, how much more am I expected to take and just deal with before I lose it? I have told people that I feel like this generations version of Job. What is the whole point of this exercise? Is it to prepare for something in the future? Is it to find just, exactly, where my breaking point is? To date, I don't know where that breaking point is, but I'm sure it's out there and we are definitely closer to it than we were last week.

How much more can Katie & the girls deal with? We fought the monster last year and won. It cost us dearly, but we won. We fought it again this past March. And won. But, how can I look at them and ask them to step off into abyss one more time. I know they'll go, but they shouldn't have to. They have earned the right to have some normalcy in their lives.

I don't know. I really don't. All I do know is that I have a new doctor to see (this one will make 6 doctors I have seen about this since last year) and I have more work to do to fix myself. I also know that whatever this is, will be dealt with swiftly and severely. You see, no matter how many questions I have, I won't stop fighting until I have won. For some reason, the bad guys in all this have severely underestimated my will to win. Make no mistake. I may moan, groan and complain, but I will win.

Rise and rise again, until the lambs become lions...

HopeWell Reach Out & Run recap and an update on Legislative funding.

me & my stars...

Today was the day. HopeWell's 13th annual Reach Out & Run and my 1k walk. I have to say that, after a bit of a rocky start, the morning was an absolute joy!

The plan for the day was that Katie & I would get up at 4:30 am, get ready, get the girls up around 5:00 am so they could get ready and leave the house in plenty of time to get to Goucher College by 6:00 am to help set up for the event. Well, as many of you know, most good battle plans rarely survive first contact. I know our plan sure didn't. Zero dark thirty came awfully early and fast. As a result of that, both Katie & I slept through our alarms and we didn't get up until 5:10 am. Yikes! Needless to say, there was a lot of running around and hurrying to get ready as fast as we could so we could get out the door ASAP. We didn't do too bad. We were out the door by 5 'til 6 and got to Goucher College by 6:10 am. (Thank goodness for light traffic that early in the morning.)

Once we got there (trust me, we weren't the only ones that were late), they were just starting to put things together. All four of us got moving to unload the trucks to get the gear where it needed to go. As a result of everyone that was there working so hard and so well together, by 7:00 am we had transformed Goucher College into our own personal playground for the run and walk.

When everything got set up, Katie and the girls helped with various things that needed to be done with registration, with them eventually settling into handing out the t-shirts to the runners who registered that day and survivor back packs to the cancer survivors who were running or walking.

While they were doing a great job helping with registration, I was kind of left to my own devices. I helped a little here and there, but really didn't have a set job. Turns out that was kind of a good thing. Reason being, I kept running into people from GBMC and The Dance Center who have been helping take such good care of me. All of them told me that I was looking great. What they don't realize is that they are a big part of the reason why I look as good as I do.

Before the race started I pulled out my "surprise". I took my title belt with me! I took it out around 8:00 am and carried it with me the rest of the day. (You can see that in the pictures I have posted on Facebook). Emily & Lilli thought it was cool that I did. Katie thought it was embarrassing. (On one level she is correct, a 40 year old man running around with a kids replica of the WWE World Heavyweight Championship. Really. What kind of fool does that.) Not surprisingly I had a lot of people ask me about it. They asked what it was and why was I carrying it. Surprisingly, after I explained it to people, every one of them thought it was a great idea. A few people even asked me where I got it from. That was cool.

Right before the walk I was looking at the Wall of Hope that HopeWell had set up. The Wall of Hope is a wall of stars that people put the names of people in their lives who have cancer, who have passed away from cancer or for their caregivers. I made two stars. One for my Grandpa, Ed Lanter, who passed away this past January after fighting Prostate Cancer for over 2 years. One for Katie, Emily & Lilli. Since they were my primary care givers, they more than earned their star. Emily made one for me.

Now, for the walk. Since I am still recovering from the two surgeries back in March, Katie felt (i.e. insisted) that someone walk with me to make sure nothing happened. Since she was needed to keep an eye on Lilli and to help at the end of the walk, that job fell to Emily. Surprisingly, she was very enthusiastic about going on the walk with me. The one question we had was whether or not she would have to register and pay the registration fee. We explained the situation to Lily Burke, one of the people who we know that works at HopeWell, and she said that it was not a problem for Emily to walk with me, she just wouldn't have a bib number. YAY!

I have to say that one kilometer walk is one of the best times I have had with Emily. We didn't just walk the walk. We had fun with it! We were at the back of the walkers and just had an absolute blast! We synched our ipods so that we listened to a few of the same songs at the same time and just went to town with them. It was awesome!

After the walk was the closing ceremony. We had a few speakers, gave out some raffle prizes and the trophies for the race winners in all the age groups. The best part of the closing ceremony was when they gathered all the cancer survivors together in front of the podium and one of the team leaders spoke. She gave a stirring testimony about her own battle with cancer. She also spoke of some of her team members and how much they supported her. She even spoke of a couple of her team members who are no longer here. After she was finished speaking they played the song "I Hope You Dance" for the survivors. By the time that was finished, there was not a dry eye in the house. It was very emotional and very positive.

We had such a positive experience with today that Katie & I are thinking about getting a team together and doing the 5k walk next year!!!

I have to say "Thank You!" to all my family, friends and co-workers who sponsored me. Through all of their efforts I was able to raise $650.00 for HopeWell! That is just an awesome amount with only one weeks notice! While I got donations from a lot of people back in Cincinnati (some of which just amazed me), I have to thank my Mom, my Aunt Carol and my Mother-in-law, Pat, for their efforts. Aunt Carol was the one who got the ball rolling on my side of the family by getting my email out to everyone about the walk. Mom & Pat were the ones who had the unenviable task of collecting the donations from people and getting them to me in time for today. They did a great job and all the donations were able to be turned in on time!

Speaking of money. While we were at HopeWell on Saturday getting things ready for the race, we found out that HopeWell heard from the State Legislature about their request for funding. HopeWell will be receiving a total of $175,000.00 from the State Legislature!!! They will be receiving $100,000 from the State House of Representatives and $75,000 from the State Senate! According to a couple of people at HopeWell, rumor is that they were originally not going to receive anything from the State Senate, but the apparently the Senators changed their minds after hearing from Emily, Lilli and the Boddie's sons, Justin & Brandon. How awesome is that!

All in all, today was a great day!

'Til next time people...

I'ma fight 'til we see the sunlight...

quick update & sponsorship request...

Well, I went back to work last week. Did half days. Longest half days of my life. Ugh. I came home every night just exhausted. I don't think I have been this tired since Boot Camp. I started full days this week. Regular full days are bad enough, but full days on top of training a new employee, on top of helping coach Lilli's softball team and regular everyday life is just exhausting. Eating is getting better. The food is getting a little more "solid". I'm up to noodles, sandwiches, Shepherd's Pie, Chef Boyardee (mini-ravioli & lasagna noodles) and things like that. According to Doc Williams, the healing is slower this time around because the chemo & radiation has just slowed things down. Grrrr. Knowing why things are slower doesn't make it any easier or any less frustrating to deal with. I just want to be done. But, I guess I should just be happy that I am getting better at all, so on we go...

Speaking of going on...

This Sunday, April 18th, I am participating in the 13th annual "Reachout & Run" to support HopeWell Cancer Support. They are doing a 5k run, a 5k walk and a 1k walk. I will be doing the 1k walk. Katie and the girls are volunteering at the event and will be doing things to help the runners and walkers. I am looking for sponsors. If you would like to sponsor me, you can send me an email at gunslinger2325@yahoo.com or leave a comment here and I will let you know how you can do that. Here is a link to HopeWell's website if you want more information about the race: http://www.hopewellcancersupport.org/Events

Thank you for your support...

just a quick update...

Well, I'm still off work. I was supposed to go back this past Monday, but the tongue still hurts too much. You know how your tongue feels when you burn it. Well, multiply that by about 1000 and that is how my tongue feel. Add on top of that, the fact that I still drool like a baby that is teething and I sound like I have a mouth full of marbles and you can see why Doc Williams gave me another week off. On the plus side, the swelling in my tongue has gone down considerably. Hopefully, I'll be able to go back next Monday.

My diet is getting better. I can now eat sandwiches! YAY! I can add p.b.&j sammiches to my cream of chicken soup. Still have a couple of issues; 1) anything too cold still hurts to drink 2) now that I have this new "space" in my mouth, all the food seems to want to congregate there. In order to get it out, I have to use water to get it out. So, b/c of these two things I am definitely well hydrated. lol...

That's it for now. More updates as they happen...

An open letter to GBMC

3-20-10

K B

Cockeysville, MD 21030

To Whom it may concern:

I wanted to take some time to let some one know about the quality of care my family has received over the past year at Greater Baltimore Medical Center.

Our contact with GBMC began in earnest in June of 2009, when I presented in your Emergency Department on June 5^th with what ended up being 2 blood clots in my lungs, and I was admitted to Unit 34. While no one can honestly say they enjoy being in the hospital, your staff did everything they could to make my stay as comfortable as possible. I cannot possibly say enough good things about a nurse named Jackie, in particular. I apologize for not remembering her last name, but I do believe it began with a B. She worked the 7 p.m. to 7 a.m. shift and she was positively amazing. I would love to know that she got some sort of recognition for the kind and level of care she provides to your patients.

I was released on June 9^th, to turn around and come back the following day for my husband to have a biopsy performed on a mass in his tongue. Thus began the “adventure” we’ve been living ever since. He was diagnosed with oral cancer on June 15^th, and we returned to Sherwood Surgical on the 26^th for the surgery to remove the tumor and excise some lymph nodes for biopsy….

I wish I could remember everyone’s name whom we have had contact with in your facility, because if we’ve met 50 people in the course of the care, there are less than 5 whom I would say don’t deserve special recognition. I think some of the nurses we had last year are the same as we’ve had in this last month.

The Pre-op nurses are so personable and roll with very bad jokes along with us, trying to put everyone at ease before my husband Ken’s surgeries. They joke with us, explain things thoroughly, and answer any and every question we come up with. In Post op, again, Ken receives wonderful care. His most recent care team consisted of Joyce M., Kathy R., (OR) Lynne T., PACU; and it looks like another Joyce, in PACU as well. In addition to Vanisha and Nancy, and a few other’s whose names I did not manage to get. Pretty much, they all deserve angel wings.

A word about his surgeon, Dr. Williams. Words aren’t enough, in all honesty. That man ranks up there as amazing along with the nurses. He explains his care to us, explains why he chooses to do what he does, and offers a lot of support in and out of the hospital.

One other group who cannot be forgotten is the wonderful group of nurses in the Radiation Oncology and Chemo administration center. Vickie, Wynne, Tracey (and Lisa, Jane, and Marie in Dr. Zinreich’s office) all provided wonderful care, nearly everyday with radiation, once a week with chemo, and on visits. And lastly, Dr. Levine and his assistants in the Medical Oncology Department were all wonderful to us, as well.

In addition to all this… Our youngest daughter has been a recent “regular” patron of the ER for a series of rabies shots. Overall, we’ve received very good care there as well.

I, myself, am a user of your anticoagulation clinic, and between Janice, Maza, Cathy Custer, Stewart the pharmacist… they too deserve props as a wonderful care team. They do a lot to make sure the visit goes smoothly and quickly, answer all questions, and if one of the pharmacists doesn’t have an immediate answer, they offer to locate it for you.

Once again, thank you for all the support we have gotten from your facility in the last year, especially.

Sincerely,

The Ballinger Family

Ken, Katie, Emily and Lillian

A life lesson...

(click on picture to enlarge)

You know, one would think that after three surgeries, two months of chemo and radiation, countless days of throwing up anything I tried to put into my system and all the other indignities that come with having cancer, that my attitude on life would have soured just a bit.

Actually, quite the opposite has happened. My outlook has brightened in a couple of ways. One way is that I am now trying to take a camera with me whenever we have a "family event". Not only do I want to take pictures to share with people, I want them for the memories that are attached to the pictures. Take Saturday for example. To 99% of the planet, it was just another Saturday and Lilli's softball evaluations were just another event in that day. To me, it was something different. It was the day after my 3rd surgery and I wanted to get out of the house. I needed a victory. I think it's safe to say that I got one. Having the pictures will give me something to look back on and savor when I'm older.

Another way my outlook has changed is summed up in the comic above (click on it to enlarge it). It's hard to believe that come this summer we will have been here in Maryland for 3 years. In a lot of ways, the time has just flown by and the days just seem to blend together. Emily's getting ready to graduate high school, Lilli is a very active 9 year old and so on and so on. Yet, it only seems like yesterday that the girls were still little and we didn't have to worries that we have now. Time does fly. It flies through both the good and the bad, whether you want it to or not. The lesson I have learned from all of this looking back is appreciation. Appreciation for the days we do have together and appreciation for the people in my life. It sounds cliche, but life is precious, each day we have with each other is a gift. We should enjoy it the best we can. We should also appreciate and enjoy the people in our lives.

The easiest way to do that is to let people know how you feel about them. Tell those you love that you love them. Not just once in a blue moon, but every chance you get. Take the time, make the time, to see them as well. It may seem silly or trite now (and easy for me to say since most of my family is nearly 600 miles away), but you never know what the future holds for you or them. It shouldn't take something bad happening to someone for you to take the time to talk to them or go see them. You may not have the time once calamity decides to knock on the door of someone you care about. Don't wait until it's too late.

Live life to the fullest. Tell the people you love that you love them. You make an imprint on the lives of everyone you touch. Sometimes, that imprint is bigger than you know.

Hopefully, the 3rd chime is the charm...

Wow, what a difference a day makes.

Yesterday, after my surgery, I was in so much pain on the left side of my head that I wanted to cry. Even with taking the pain medicine it hurt so bad, I couldn't sleep. I finally nodded off around 5:00 am and getting up around 9:00 am. I think the only reason I even went to sleep was that I was taking both Perqocet and oxycodone. I am only supposed to be taking the Perqocet every 8 hours, but that's just how bad I was hurting. I would alternate the Perqocet and oxycodone every 4 hours and I think that just finally knocked me out.

I think getting some sleep helped the most. Even though I still have pain, it is nowhere near as bad as it was yesterday. I was able to actually go with Lilli and Katie to Lilli's softball evaluations today. YAY me!

Out of all my surgeries and procedures I have had to endure the past 9 months I think this surgery was by far the worst. It's not just because of the pain, that I think this one was so bad. They also decided to intubate me while I was awake! Talk about not fun. Apparently, during the surgery last Wednesday, they had trouble intubating while I was asleep so before I went completely under they did the intubation. Talk about painful. I could even feel some of what they were doing. Definitely something I do not want to go through again. At least, the anesthesiologist this time was a good guy and did his best to try to make it as easy and as painless as he possibly could.

Speaking of doctors, Doc Williams again did an excellent job. He answered all our questions, took his time with us and didn't rush anything. He even called us Friday night to see how I was doing. He even left his home phone number with us in case I had any problems or questions over the weekend. He is just awesome!

As awesome as Doc Williams is, the nurses at GBMC are even awesomer! While I have dealt with quite a few nurses in the past nine months and all of them have been great, there are two that stand out in particular. One is Joyce in pre-op, the other is Nancy in post-op. Joyce has been my pre-op nurse for all of the surgeries/procedures I have had at GBMC. She takes her time with everything and is so personable and friendly. She has really helped me feel at ease when it comes time to head back to the O.R.

Nancy, with the exception of my surgery last Wednesday, has been one of my post-op nurses for all of my procedures and is one of the most positive and happy people I think I have ever met. She is very complimentary and always willing to help. She lets you take your time with things when you are waking up and trying to get your bearings. She is also very sincere about things when she tells them to you. The last two times when it has come time for me to leave, she has made it a point to give me a hug and a kiss on the cheek. Each time, you could feel the positivity in her and it has almost made me cry happy tears.

I have been very blessed to have these people on my front lines in my battle with cancer.

The force is strong with this one...

Just a word on "fate"

You know, many a day has gone by that I used to ask myself.. what kind of a god would encourage me to move my immediate family over 500 miles away from our entire extended family, and then yank away the good job that I moved here for? Seems like he has a crappy sense of humor, to me.

However.. Ken would have developed cancer no matter where we lived, and likely at the same time. Would we have discovered if sooner had we stayed in CIncinnati? who knows? maybe.

I have experienced enough "coincidences" in my life that I honestly do believe things happen for a reason... we are placed "where" we go for a reason. Had Ken been diagnosed with heart trouble, or had a stroke or anything like that, you can bet I'd want him in Cincinnati at Christ hospital. But that's not what we were dealt. He ended up with cancer in his tongue, broadly classified as "head and neck" cancer. In Baltimore, MD, near Towson specifically.

What is the significance of that, you might ask. Well, not that GBMC can be blamed for tooting their own horn.. but by everything independent we've seen, heard or read... in addition to being told, Ken happens to be literally smack dab in the middle of the absolute best "head and neck cancer" treatment facility available in the entire country. 50 states, thousands of square miles, and we ended up here. I'll admit... it does not SEEM like such an "easy" time right now, but think about it objectively. It has honestly been less than 1 year since Ken was diagnosed. (Granted, it has been decidedly the LONGEST hardest 9 months of either of our lives, hands down.) But to go from diagnosis, to surgery, treatment, beginning to bounce back from the side effects.. and to still have 2 more surgeries.... It is without a doubt the most aggressively I have ever heard of anyone's cancer being attacked. The treatment Ken was prescribed through Dr. Williams, along with Dr. Zenreich and Dr. Levine has literally CURE rates in the high 90th percentile. Granted, Ken's cancer seems to have a belligerent little mind of its own. But something we have noticed is that because of that fact, Ken seems to be getting what seems to be slightly preferential treatment. Meaning: When something like a test result needs to be read and analyzed... usually it is a 24 - 48 hour window before you can expect to hear anything. With the recent PET scan, his surgeon, Dr. Williams personally called Ken within 5 hours of Ken leaving the radiology facility. The frozen sections removed from Ken's last glossectomy were perhaps analyzed a little closer than most would have been... mostly because they are beginning to expect anomalies where Ken is concerned.

Dr. Williams has extended conversations with us regarding all our questions... even in the aisles of WALMART!! One thing he has impressed upon us is that he approaches Ken's treatment and "plan of attack" from the perspective of "how would he like himself treated, or his family member, if they were the one facing this". At least twice now, he has called us at home within a day or hours of Ken having surgery. Tonight, he made sure he called us from his home phone so that we would have that as well, in our arsenal in order to get in touch with him if the need arises.

I cannot say enough about the quality of caretakers we have encountered at Greater Baltimore Medical Center. They recognized him today in registration, as having "been there recently" (10 days ago). His nurses in Pre-op and recovery remember him.. (I really wish the would quit inflating his ego!!!) Other than my own minor trauma at the coffee shop today (they do not stock my single favorite addiction in GBMC on Thursdays or Fridays. Therefore.. any procedures from here on out MUST be on Monday Tuesday or Wednesday! LOL Anyone else know where they have chocolate filled croissants??)

My point it this... Yes, we are all frustrated. I'd daresay, at least for me, this is the closest many of us have come to traveling the cancer treatment road with a family member, or one so close to us. I know I'm frustrated with getting my hopes up (we got it all this time...) only to discover another surgery is needed. But completely objectively... we've been "lucky" so far. And we get such amazing care. If this is something we MUST got hrough, especially having to do so without the immediate emotional support of our extended family... I want to do it here. With this group of people.. these doctors, these friends.

Thanks, everyone. I need sleep now....

today... from Katie

Well surgery today is over. Seems to have gone well. The offending harbour of bad cells was excised, along with a portion roughly 1/4 by 1/2 inch long along the front tip of Ken's tongue. Seems that portion had actually died, due to lack of blood circulation, perhaps. Dr. W did not seem terribly concerned with it.

Ken's blood pressure was slightly elevated in recovery, probably due to the fact that for some reason, he seemed to be in more pain this time than he has the last couple times. We think his mouth had to be held open further this time.

Sometimes, watching all this makes me very angry. No one deserves this crap... and if I find out there's a way to prove he was affected by benzene in the water when he was stationed at New River... heads are going to roll. As odd as it sounds.. I need some one to hate for this. He is hurting, and no amount of medicine seems to help. We're all tired....

round three set for tomorrow morning...

*sigh*

This cancer just does not know when to go away.

The final pathology tests showed that there were some cancer cells in the inked margin from the surgery last Wednesday. Apparently, what they found is very small, about a millimeter big and is on the top portion of my tongue, near the front.

Surgery is scheduled for 11:30 am, with show time for me being 9:30 am. Doc Williams said the surgery should take about an hour and is scheduled to be done as an outpatient procedure.

Hopefully, this will finally take care of it.

testifying before State Legislature for HopeWell cancer support...

Last week Katie got a phone call from HopeWell cancer support asking us if we would like to go to Annapolis this weekend to help them secure funding from the State Legislature. Katie happily agreed. Little did we know just how wonderful this day would turn out.

Just a little background about Hopewell first from their website. For 17 years, our work at HopeWell Cancer Support has been based on the premise that people affected by cancer need more than just medical care. HopeWell’s programs are specifically designed to complement the medical system by helping people with cancer, and their loved ones, cope with the life-changing impact of a cancer diagnosis.

At HopeWell, we recognize that an emotional response to cancer is normal and that being surrounded by people who understand is part of the healing process. HopeWell offers a broad range of programs and activities, including support groups, educational seminars, exercise classes and social activities, that allow people to access a community of support that is unmatched in the Baltimore metropolitan area. All of HopeWell’s programs are offered free of charge and are open to people at any stage of their journey through cancer.

The support they offer cancer patients and their families is nothing short of phenomenal. We took the girls there for a kids support group when I was going through my treatments and the help they gave the girls really went a long way in helping them get through everything. So, of course, when they asked us to help them, we jumped at the chance. During the course of the week Katie had been talking with HopeWell about the trip and they asked if one of the girls could speak at the hearings. They only had a few minutes to state their case and they felt that the testimony would have more impact if it came from a child. Katie & I decided that, if she wanted to, Emily would be the one to testify for us. When we asked her, she jumped at the chance.

It turns out that it was the four of us, a few members of the HopeWell staff and one other family with two kids that made the trip to Annapolis. We had to testify at two committee hearings today. First was the House of Representatives Appropriations Committee, at 9am. Then we went in front of the Senate Budget & Taxation Committee at noon. When it came time for Emily to testify in front of the Appropriations Committee, as nervous as she was, she delivered a knockout performance. She spoke clearly, concisely, and projected her thoughts and voice with confidence.

After that, we had some time before the Senate hearing, so our delegate, Rep. Stein, took us on an unofficial tour of the State House. Turns out that not only does Maryland have the country's oldest working state house, it is also where George Washington resigned his commission as Commander-In-Chief of the Continental Army in 1783.

While we were taking the tour and having lunch, we came to find out that we would have more time in front of the Senate committee, so the HopeWell people asked Lilli if she would like to speak. After seeing what a good job her sister did, she jumped on the chance and spent the rest of her time writing down what she would say.

Mere words cannot adequately convey just how awesome the girls did in the Senate hearing. Lilli went first and gave a flawless delivery of her testimony and how well HopeWell had helped her. Emily went after her and barely got two words out before she started crying. She got herself together and gave the Senators a brilliant testimony, that had a few of them teary eyed. After Emily's testimony, Lilli leaned over and gave her big sister a big hug and they just kinda leaned on each other for a few seconds. It was a very emotionally moving experience. It so impressed the Chairman of the Budget and Taxation Committee, Sen. Ulysses Currie, that when we were finished testifying he specifically told the girls that they did a great job today.

While I am always proud of Emily and Lilli, what they did today made me prouder of them than I have ever been. They were given an opportunity today to stand up and help make a difference. Not only did they make a difference, but they did it in a memorable fashion.

Home sweet home...

I got home yesterday from the hospital. I am tired (ok, exhausted is more like it), my mouth and face hurt, my face and neck are swollen and what is left of my tongue is swollen so much that it takes up most of my mouth. Yet, I feel so awesome! I have beaten cancer again!

Doc Williams said that pending the final pathology results, this should be it. He is pretty confident that he got everything this time. He said that the tests they ran during the procedure showed that the margins are good and it looks like everything was gotten out. This tumor was about 1 centimeter big and had "feelers" going out from it. Because of those "feelers" Doc had to take more of my tongue than he originally thought he would have to take. That is why they had to do the bolster and skin graph. The bolster will come out next Thursday. After it comes out, Doc says that I should have more use of my tongue. In addition to taking the tumor out, he also "cleaned up" some things from the last surgery. That should result in more movement in my tongue and clearer speech. YAY!

Now, while I am glad that Doc Williams did everything he did, I was still surprised to see just how bad my tongue looked. OW! What is left of it is swollen up about 5 times its normal size and is bruised beyond anything I ever would have imagined. I have never seen a tongue look so purple. Then there is the area that was cut out. It is all so nasty looking that even Lilli was grossed out by it. (Doesn't stop her from looking at it though.)

This post would be longer, but Katie did an excellent job in the previous post of describing most everything that went on Wednesday. She is also doing a great job of taking care of me too. I am lucky.

Hopefully, on Thursday they will take the bolster out and that will be the end of this little adventure.

Citius, Altius, Fortius

the wife's perspective of yesterday....

Well, It's Katie, here. Ken's still up at the hospital, after what was not likely the most restful night. Are they ever, in a hospital?

So.. here are things as I understand them.

First off, let me say, Dr. Williams is amazing. That man puts up with my warped sense of humor, runs with it, and helps us understand this so much. He answers my questions like they're nothing. I heart him.

When he was describing the tumor and its behavior, it reminded me of something. (PIP, you'll be proud of me here!) Do you know what Rhizomes are? When a plant procreates by sending out a root system. Looks like a whole new plant that grows, say 20 feet away, but it's actually part of the same root system. Well, that seems to be the way Ken's cancer is behaving. Dr. W called them "scouts" or little satellites, but he is reasonably certain he got the "host" and eradicated any offshoots.

He had to remove a good portion of Ken's tongue this time, and used a skin graft from his thigh to create a "bolster" and the bandage holding it in place will be removed next Thursday. (And no! he will not have a hairy tongue because the skin came from his thigh. LOL) He has a patch of skin removed about 3" x 2", a few layers off his thigh. Doc W said it will feel like a rug burn.

To our knowledge, this means no chemo and no radiation this time. (YAY, and that's an understatement!)

It's a little after 8 a.m. and Ken has messaged me that he can come home.

What does he get to come home to? A 9 year old who has to start rabies shots today or tomorrow.. our life is SO exciting! (Sorry mom, if you read this before I call you in a half hour!)

More to come later... we need to talk about his teeth.

off into the abyss again...

Well, round 2 kicks off with surgery in the morning. Hopefully, this will be it. We have to be at the hospital @ 7:45am with surgery scheduled for 9:45am. Doc Williams has said that this should be a 2 to 2 & 1/2 hr surgery. Depending on how I respond to everything I should be released from the hospital sometime Thursday.

While I am nervous, I still feel somewhat calm. I am confident in my surgeon. I am also confident in what the PET scan found (or didn't find). I really feel like that this round will be short and quick.

The last two weeks have been a whirlwind of emotions for me. I have ranged from shock when they first told me the cancer was back to feeling like my old self, full of confidence that I can win. Cancer feeds on negativity, fear and despair. Cancer expects me to sit and cower in a corner, wonder "why me" and feel sorry for myself. I will not give it the satisfaction of having any of that from me or my team. Cancer expects me to be afraid. In fact, it is cancer who should be afraid.

No, belay that order. Cancer shouldn't be afraid. It should be terrified.

"We're going to fight. We're going to be hurt. In the end, we will stand."

The best news we could get...

I had the PET scan today. Also had a CT scan. The scans were done this morning. I got the results this afternoon. Dr. Williams said that the cancer has not spread and is localized in the tumor he took the biopsy samples from. The tumor itself is so small that it does not show up on the PET scan at all! All that needs to be done is to have surgery to take it out and that should be the end of it! Surgery is scheduled for next Wednesday March, 10th.

This is the best news we could get. This surgery should be less intrusive than the last one. This time all they have to do is just take the tumor out. They won't be taking any lymph nodes, so the recovery time should be quicker as well.

Looks like we caught this one in time. YAY!

No chain, no lock and this train won’t stop. We got no fear, no doubt, all in balls out!

It's baaaack. Cancer has decided to go another round with the champ...

I got the biopsy results back from Dr. Williams today. It came back positive for cancer. Or, as Doc Williams put it "it looks like cancer". The PET scan that I originally was going to have in May has now been pushed up to this Tuesday. I am figuring that the results of the scan will determine how we pursue treatment. Hopefully, it is just localized to the spots on my tongue and all they have to do is just cut them out and be done with it. If it has spread, well, that's a whole different ballgame.

This one is tough. Just when I thought I was almost out of the woods I have to deal with this again. While the vast majority of me is ready to fight and kick cancers butt again, there is a part of me that just wants to jump up and down, yell, scream and just throw an all around fit about how unfair this all is, but what good would that do? I can't have that negativity. I know life is unfair. I also know that people are only given what they can handle. But, just the same, sometimes you wanna scream, you wanna cry, you want someone to tell you why, and you think that all the hope that’s in your heart is not enough to fend off the monster in the night that feeds on fear and despair. I know that the only way to, once again, beat back this monster is to stand and fight. Cancer has underestimated my heart, my desire, my will and the steel in my spine. Again. I won the last round. I plan on winning this one too.

So, here we are again, standing at the edge of the abyss looking the monster in the eye one more and telling it; "Bring it on. We took your best shot last time. We'll take it again and we'll beat you. Again."

We're off into the abyss. Stay tuned. It's gonna be one hell of a fight.

Ow,ow,ow,ow,ow...

Ok, biopsies suck. Hard.

I went to see Dr. Williams today. He said that since he has never, ever seen cancer come back this soon after treatment, he is pretty sure that what is going on with my tongue is not cancer. He didn't guarantee anything, of course, but he did say that in all likelihood it is either a suture trying to come out, scar tissue or inflamed scar tissue.

However, just to err on the side of caution, he did do a biopsy of the spot. OW!!!! Everything about the biopsy just hurt. The shots to numb the tongue, pulling the tongue out and trying to position it and then, of course, getting the specimen pieces out so they can be tested. Ow, ow, ow.

He said that they should have the results back by Tuesday. I'll call him Tuesday afternoon to get the results.

Here's to hopin'...

Another hoop to jump through...

Well, I saw Dr. Levine (my medical oncologist) today. For the most part, the visit went well. My weight is up to 179 lbs. I have the paperwork to schedule my PET scan for the first part of May. That's the good news. Here's the hoop I have to go through; I have to see Dr. Williams (my surgeon and ear, nose & throat dr.) this Thursday. For the past month or so, there has been some small pain on the right side of my tongue. Mostly when I drink soda or something like that, so I told Dr. Levine about it. During the exam today Dr. Levine found a small, circular hard spot on my tongue near where they took the tumor out. Dr. Levine is pretty sure that is nothing serious and the spot is likely benign, probably nothing more than either scar tissue or perhaps an a suture that is trying to come out, but he wants a specialist to check it out to make certain it is nothing to worry about. Dr. Levine is so certain that it is nothing serious that my next appointment with him isn't until May after the PET scan.

While Dr. Levine is pretty sure it is nothing serious, it is still frustrating to have another step added to this already arduous process. Hopefully, Doc Williams will be able to look at it and tell me straight out what it is. If not, I'm sure there will be more steps involved so they can figure out what this one is.

Here's to hoping...

quick update & a few words about a true hero...

Hey all. I know I said I would let y'all know about how things went with Dr. Z., but things have been hectic the last couple of weeks. Sorry. I'll explain what has been going on in a bit. But first...

The appointment with Dr. Zinreich (my radiation oncologist) went very well. She says my mouth, throat & tongue are healing quite nicely. In fact, she couldn't use a regular tongue depressor during the exam. She had to use a metal one. That is a good thing. She said my tongue is strong and healthy. YAY! She wants the PET scan scheduled for sometime in April. She didn't set an exact date because she wants Dr. Levine to examine me first. That appointment is Feb. 16th. I will be sure to update everyone on that appointment.

Now, as to why this post was so late. Not only has day to day life been very busy, but I had to go back to Cincinnati for a funeral. My grandfather passed away on January 20th. He had been in a over 2 year battle with prostate cancer. One of the reasons I have been able to fight as hard as I have with my cancer is because my Grandpa paved the way for me and showed me how to fight. He showed me that will and attitude go a long way in determining how your treatment will go. He was a great man and mere words just cannot describe him or the impact he left on the lives of his children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren. The best example I have of that is the way Lilli talks about him. Every time we went back to Cincinnati, Lilli would ask/demand to go see him and whenever something about World War II comes on tv she wants to watch it in the hopes of seeing Grandpa on tv. Katie & I are convinced that in Lilli's mind her "Grandpa Ed" single handedly won World War II. He was a man of few words, but he didn't need to say much, he let his actions speak for him. He was an inspiration and he will be missed.

Back to the grind and a few other things...

Here's how things are going... I am finally back to work! YAY! I went back Monday for the first time since the middle of August. Some things are just like I never left and some things are so different, I feel like the new guy. Health wise things are going well. My diet is getting better. I can eat a whole Happy Meal! lol... Seriously though, the things I am eating are getting more solid. For the most part I don't have any problems with it, but occasionally things get stuck in my throat and that makes for an interesting moment or two until I can get it "unstuck" (either finally swallowing it or having to cough it out). The only thing that is irritating is that some of it winds up having to be blown out my nose, lest it wind up in my sinuses.

We were able to head back to Cincinnati for Christmas (thanks Mom). I can say that this was one of the best Christmases we have ever had. Not only did we get to spend the holiday with family, but Santa made sure that the girls had as "normal" a Christmas as possible. I just want to take a second here and thank Santa for that. Katie & I appreciate that more than we can express.

Anyway, while back in Cincinnati I was paid many compliments on going through and surviving my treatments. At first I really didn't know how to handle all of that. To me, I was just doing what I had to do, but then my brother-in-law, Mark, said something to me that made me understand it a little bit better. He said that I inspired people and when I told him that I didn't feel that I was all that, he said that I am because I was able to show people our age that you can go through something like this and come out of it more or less ok. That led me to think and I can understand that, but I think that in order to be inspiring, you have to be inspired. That is where my friends and family come in. I would not have been able to do what I did without the thoughts, prayers and support of all y'all. The support from everyone has been unbelievable and words can't describe how much it all means to me. Thank you.

As much as I used and appreciate the support from everyone, my biggest support and inspiration, however, has come from my wife & kids. They stared into abyss and faced the monster with me and did not flinch. This is by far the toughest thing we have had to go through and not only did they get through it, they got me through it as well. Trust me, this was not easy for them. There were times I'm sure they wanted it to be over and done with, especially since I wasn't the easiest person to deal with during all of this. But, with every challenge that was put before them, Katie, Emily and Lilli rose to that challenge, faced it head on and walked away from it victorious.

There were time that Katie felt like she wasn't doing anything to help me. That couldn't be further from the truth. She is probably the only one who heard me complain about how hard everything was and wondering if it would ever stop. Every time I complained, she was there with something to help keep me going. Whether it was words or a touch or just being there listening, she did her job as "the wife" very, very well.

Emily was put in a position that no 17 year old should ever have to be in. She was thrown into the position of an adult and she handled it very well. Yes, we had our rough spots and there were times she didn't want the responsibilities handed to her, but when push came to shove, she came through when we needed her. It's not easy for a teenager to take on adult responsibilities and issues at a normal pace, let alone at an accelerated pace like she had to deal with. She learned alot, not only about what I went through, but her own makeup as well and she has discovered that she can handle more than she thought and that will serve her well as she gets older.

Finally, there is Lilli. What can I say about her. I know that there is not much a 9 year old can do, but she did what she could. When I would be in the bathroom getting sick, she was there, rubbing my back telling me that it would be ok. She was also the only one when I was feeling bad, and not wanting to see anyone, to make me laugh.

Well, that pretty much sums up the last month or so. I have an appointment with my radiation oncologist on the 18th. I'll let you know how that goes.

"We're going to fight. We're going to be hurt. In the end we will stand." ~ Roland Deschain, Gunslinger (from the Dark Tower series)